I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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