is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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