I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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