you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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