i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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