my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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