just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
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