so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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