A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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