I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
