so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
