I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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