whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
