If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
