Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
