I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
