This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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