life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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