It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I wish there were birth control emojis
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
