Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
