Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
