you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
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I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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