Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
