It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
