how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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