ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
