Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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