So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
do herpes really smell.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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