im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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