Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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