theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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