Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
