my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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