bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
