I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
