I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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