i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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