Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
