Acid is not a monday night drug
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Vodka?
Forever.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
