Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
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I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
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As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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