I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
