You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
