anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
