Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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