Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
