how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
