I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
