woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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