She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
