too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
