i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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