I met the friendliest cop last night
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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