hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
