My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
