That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
