just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
