i used baking grease as lip gloss
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
