its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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