you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she told me i tasted like america
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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