In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
