im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
