Heybabeimwearingurpanties
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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