we have pet lesbian snakes
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hippo gnu deer
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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